Two of my most major dating anxieties are A) having nothing to talk about and B) the first kiss.
Here are some kinds of first kisses that will render romance DOA. Don’t be an offender.
1. The Phantom Kiss. This one kills me. I saw a couple doing this on the street the other night and I had to look away. I was afraid I might vomit. The Phantom Kiss is when the two lips don’t actually touch. It’s the “I’m just going to hover millimeters away from your mouth inhaling your breath” move. It has a weird controlling/teasing element. “I’m moving closer. I’m pulling away. I’m right near your lips. I’m hovering.” I think it’s intended to be romantic in some way, but unless you are MADLY in love with the person and the smell of their breath gets you high, it’s just weird.
2. The Dry Peck. Ya might as well give a kiss on the cheek if you’re going to do this. A soft peck is sweet. A bone dry peck with tight, dry, rigid lips is about as unsexy as it gets.
3. The Slobber Festival. If a kiss makes a woman’s face wet, something has gone terribly wrong. You may be overeager to show “what a great tongue” you have, but it is unwise to do that if you can’t do it without making a huge mess. Thou shalt not lick face or slobber like a dog.
4. The Accidental Kiss. This happened to me once and it was rather unfortunate. The guy went to kiss my cheek and I went to give him my cheek and we both went opposite directions and BLAMO! we were kissing and didn’t want to be. You can avoid this kissing mishap by giving clear spacial signals to your date. If you move face far to the side, it signifies a kiss on the cheek. If you make eye contact and move in dead on, it signifies a kiss on the lips. If she moves away from your dead on approach, SHE DOESN”T WANT TO KISS. If all this seems too confusing, just go in for the hug and wait until next time to tackle the kiss. Whatever you do, DON’T ASK IF YOU CAN KISS HER. Women HATE this.
5. The Face Collision. This is in the family of the Accidental Kiss, only this smooch is intended. One or both of the people miscalculates the angle and noses collide or you get a jaw in your eye socket or teeth clack together. Whatever face parts manage to get in the way, this kiss is never fun. It can even be painful.
6. The Over-Aggressive Kiss. This kiss is just too much for a first kiss. It may include biting, forceful shoving of a tongue down the throat, full tonsil exploration, and face eating. It’s good to be enthusiastic about a kiss, but this one is beyond enthusiastic. It’s as if you just got out of the slammer earlier that day. You’re on a mission to kiss a human woman and it doesn’t matter whose mouth gets in your way. Um, scary.
7. The Bad Taste Kiss. This is a preference thing, but some of the things that can make a kiss taste really bad are: cigarettes, onions, garlic, tuna fish, stinky cheese and halitosis. The halitosis is not your fault. Please see your dentist for treatment options. The rest of those things, please avoid if you plan to kiss someone for the first time in the next 6-12 hours.
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